thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
