Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
