I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
