We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
