butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Randomize
