Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
