im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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