I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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