Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
