tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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