dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
