Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
