the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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