moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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