i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
