i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
