turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Sober January is a disaster.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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