Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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