Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
