just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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