I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Randomize
