he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
