Umm I'm too high to move.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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