The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
