I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
i believe in u and ur pee
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
