Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
