I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Can you bring me the toilet please
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
