oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize