I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
