you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize