tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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