Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
