Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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