Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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