look no pants
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
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