Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize