Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
