and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
