While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Randomize
