if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
