I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
