when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
