I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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