Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
