I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Randomize
