Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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