So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
