Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
