My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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