he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
