My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
