babies were throwing up all over the place
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
