He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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