Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
