why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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