the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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