I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize