Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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