I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
